Musings

 I'm writing a blog post because it's been more than 2 months since I have and because I told myself I would write one this month and it's literally the last day for me to do so and I always have liked putting things off until the last minute. But, I have no plan for this and I'm not going to overthink it, so buckle up.

I'm not really sure where to begin this post because I feel like I need to play catch up and write about what kind of artistic pursuits I've been up to since the last time I blogged, but that gets a bit muddled in my head and, really, that's not what I am finding myself drawn toward writing about anyway. I've done plenty, art-wise, in the almost 3 months since I last posted, but what I feel pulled to write has more to do with my feelings surrounding art, so I think that's what I'm going to stick with.

Two posts ago I wrote about how certain feelings can get in the way of my creating. Things like rebelling against my own self-imposed schedules or challenges, or feeling uncomfortable putting myself in the public eye. The thing is none of those things have gone away. There's a constant tug-of-war in my brain, a constant swirl of thoughts that I have to try to untangle just to get to the point where I am creating consistently.

So many things have the potential to create unwanted pressure that then derails something else. This blog was feeling a bit too much like an obligation. I set my standards too high concerning frequency, concerning what I wanted to put in the blog itself, and concerning whether enough people were looking at it for it to feel worthwhile. Some of these standards were not even standards I thought about with top-level consciousness. But the end result was I didn't feel at all excited to do it so I let it go.

And then there's Instagram. I'd say social media as a whole, but I honestly don't have the bandwidth for anything more than Instagram, so I'm talking about just that. It is so easy to fall into this hole of looking at accounts from people who want to "help" you have a successful Instagram account. The accounts with all the hacks and tips and methods for increasing reach, or engagement, or whathaveyou. And some of those people also have YouTube accounts and tons of videos and...inevitably...courses. Courses that usually cost hundreds of dollars. Look, I've never purchased one. I know, intellectually, that they do not have anything that is worth (to me, ymmv) the amount of money that they want me to give them. But I will admit to a little nagging voice in my head that says, "but what if it is?" Paid courses, no. But have I spent way too many minutes of my life looking at various videos, reels, and posts from people who claim to have the knowledge of how to get that sweet, sweet validation in the form of followers, likes, saves, and comments? Yes. Yes, I have. 

It is, inevitably, pointless. Why? Because I don't want to do what they want me to do. Post daily! Mmmmm, no. Okay, then. Don't post daily, but do post consistently! If you can't post every day, try a schedule of weekdays or just M/W/F! Well, that's easier, but frankly, I still occasionally run up against the don't-wanna wall. Interact with people a lot! Leave comments, send direct messages, reply promptly to people who comment on your stuff! Okay, but interacting on a social media platform is still interacting socially and I'm an introvert and that's social energy that I only have a limited supply of. I will still hit a wall and need to retreat. Post reels! Use trending audio! I don't really have a problem with making reels. I even like the idea of making tiny movies every once in a while as an exercise in creativity, but to make reels in the amounts that I'm supposed to in order to increase reach I would quickly burn out. And I loathe trending audio. Scrolling through reels and only reels on Instagram will sour a person real quick on trending audio because you will hear the same 5 second clips over and over and over and over until you want to flush your phone down the toilet. I have no desire to contribute to that cesspool. (Disclaimer: I absolutely have used trending audio. Tell me to get off my high horse.)

What am I getting at here? I feel like I'm getting off course, but this is relevant, I swear. Keep this Instagram stuff in mind; I'll get back to it. 

I recently had a realization that the only way I was going to be able to approach my art in a healthy and enjoyable way was if there wasn't any need attached to it. And by that, I mean monetary need. I have this Etsy shop and I regularly put embroidery-related stuff into it and I have plans about eventually making money from non-embroidery related art stuff, maybe through the Etsy shop, maybe through other avenues, I don't know. I occasionally will make a sale or two and that feels nice, but I am by no means paying any bills with my art. I want to. I want other people to value my art enough that they are willing to pay for it. But so far, I haven't needed for my art to pay the bills. 

Our family has, over all of the years that we have been raising children, and that's a lot now, consistently made choices that have put time and togetherness over money. I stay home with the kids, I homeschool them, and I don't work. This has put us on the edge, financially speaking, most of the time. We've found various ways to bridge the gaps over the years and just before the pandemic, one of them was that Pat (my husband) had a second job. At the beginning of the pandemic, he lost that second source of income, but during those two years there was stimulus money and advance child tax credits that took its place. We were just about coming to the place where something needed to change, income-wise, or we were going to be in trouble. 

And no matter how much I tried to tell myself not to put that feeling of need on my art or my Etsy shop, I think I was. No matter how much I told myself I could go at my own pace, I was still harboring hope that somehow my tiny Etsy shop with only 17 sales in all of its 2 year existence was somehow going to finally take off. All I had to do was put my nose to the grindstone and I could make it happen.

Of course my getting a job was (and is) not off the table, but having my Etsy shop gain even a modicum of success is truly more ideal. Getting a job outside the house would take a large portion of my time and energy, even if it were a part-time job, and it would inevitably cut into my creating time and energy because my homeschooling time and energy are of a higher priority and couldn't be cut into.

Where did this leave me? Even if I was keeping the need feeling as tamped down as I possibly could, ignoring that it was actually there, the truth is that it was still there So I was creating schedules for myself, setting too big, too quick goals, trying to talk myself into doing the things that the Instagram gurus were telling me to do, and pretty much just feeling that there was too much pressure on my art. 

Well, in the past week, Pat has had a couple of interviews, and one job offer, at a higher rate of pay. He took that to his current job and they offered to match that higher rate of pay, and just like that, the pressure is off. I'm not saying this is like life-changing money or anything. But it's a bigger raise than he's gotten, ever, and it's taking us a few steps back from the edge. 

It's allowing me to continue doing what I'm doing with my art, with my embroidery, and with my Etsy shop, but at the pace I feel most comfortable with. (A snail's, frankly.)

And that's where I am now. I've given myself permission (once again) to forget all the numbers. The number of followers on Instagram, the number of visits or views on Etsy. Doesn't matter. Not my business. 

And I do want to write here more often. I'm going to try, but I can't place any parameters on it. I can't give myself any kind of consistency target, and I can't give myself challenges. I've realized it just doesn't work. The best and only way that art (and, by extension, sharing my art) works for me is going with the flow. Of course, there's certainly something to be said for showing up on a consistent basis and practicing regularly, but sometimes there's a flurry of activity and good ideas and excellent outcomes, but sometimes, there's not. So I'm going to let this blog and my Instagram reflect that inconsistency and honor my need to keep some things to myself. 

In conclusion, here is a snail that I recently stitched. I like her very much.